A Useless, A Failure
by Scalec
Summary: “You don’t have to…” Yeah, I wanted to know why she was doing this, but I wanted her to be happy more. “Is there anything I could -?” “No.” She cut in before I could finish. A story devoted to my greatest friend. Contains cutting, and mild swearing.


**You ever had those moments when you just were so shocked you just couldn't do anything? You couldn't find the right words, the right thing to do? I found out that one of my greatest friends in the whole world has an issue with...cutting herself...and I was terrified. I couldn't wrap my head around it, and since then I've been scared for her...I wrote this to get my feelings out of me, and since I'm a writer for TDI, I did it in perspective for Cody and Gwen. I tried to plug my feelings into the story, so if its confusing, blame the human emotion of shock.**

**This story involves cutting, and some mild swearing. If you can't handle it, well, I didn't make you read it.**

It was bitter cold outside, despite that it was summer. Some sort of cold front crap. Whatever. Chris had postponed the challenge for today because of it, which admittedly, wasn't his style. It had some of the others wondering why exactly he hadn't thrown us out there and watch us freeze to death…

Freeze to death…

But I didn't care what Chris did anymore. Hell, I didn't care about anything anymore. Oh spare me the 'Depressed Goth Chick' thought passing through your head. I've heard enough of that crap ever since I died my hair and started wearing black and blue. So just leave if all you can see is my stereotype mask. Just leave if all you see is anger at the world with every time I put the corners of my mouth down. Just leave if you think that it's just a damn phase of the 'generation of today'.

Just leave…

Because I don't know if it's true or not anymore…I just don't know…

I took a sharp intake of breath as I acknowledged what was going on around me. I couldn't help it. Even now, the feel of the cool steel against my skin, breaking it, letting loose the scarlet blood in my veins…it was heaven. I had no resistance to it like some people had with drugs. Really, it was the opposite. Every time I did it, I felt like I reached a better level of euphoria then I had before. But maybe that had to do with the feeling that my life was going down the drain, so any level of happiness was good enough for me. But I didn't care. I just pressed down harder…

* * *

I scanned the campgrounds, practically feeling the worry that my blue eyes gave off. Gwen wasn't in her cabin…actually no one had seen her since Chris announced he wouldn't put our sorry butts in today's challenge. Was he concerned for us? No. He openly admitted that the cold was starting to freeze up his hair, and, to quote him, 'Freezer burnt hair takes AGES to fix.' What a narcissist.

But Chris and his hair didn't matter right now. Despite the constant chill, I was trying to find Gwen, and it wasn't easy. It was like she had vanished clean off the face of the island. She wasn't in the washrooms, she wasn't in the confessional cam, and she wasn't at the dock, because I could see from here that it was empty…

I bit my lip and tried to think logically about where else was left. The forest? Well, I'd save that for last. Too large an area, and I'd feel stupid if I ended up getting lost and Gwen happened to be right around the corner from where I was standing now the whole time.

I peeked around the corner of the cabins, just to make sure I hadn't ended up having one of those eureka-I-predicted-the-future moments. And I wasn't. The cabin side was empty, just like the dock.

I sighed. But it's not like it would be that easy. If Gwen didn't want to be found, she wouldn't. She was pretty quiet, but to me, it was a comfortable quiet. When she talked, I hung on every word. Her eyes were homey and kind, even when she was angry, and there wasn't a day that when she frowned I didn't see her smile.

I really, really enjoyed her company…what can I say? She's one of the best friends I ever had, always sticking up for me when somebody pushed me around. And I was happy that she had Trent. My friends should always get the best, and I knew he wouldn't hurt her in any way possible. My friends' getting the best…It's just what I live by.

I started for the dock. I knew she wasn't there, but I needed somewhere to think. And the water just looked really calming…I was picturing the freshwater sharks that had been in the first challenge. Yeah, ex-nay on the alm-cay. I was just happy that I landed in the safe zone then. I could see me being torn apart by the teeth, my blood floating in the water. I grimaced, wishing I could jump off this train of thought. I blinked, trying to make the imagined blood in the water disappear.

But it didn't…I started running towards the beach.

* * *

I didn't really care that it was cold outside. All I could focus on was the blood that was seeping from my skin, running down my pale wrists, and then dripping onto the water. I liked the effect, the design that the blood made as it danced and twisted through the water. It reminded me of that one show on Creature Planet…they had a commercial where the hand reached into another hand coming out of blackness, as if to save them.

It was some sort of show about somebody being saved by an animal attack by a friend…pretty ironic. The sharks were coming closer, attracted by my blood. I wasn't a total idiot. Even when I was enjoying my ecstasy (No, not drugs…I couldn't do that…Could I?) I could sense the grey fins as they cut through the water near me easily. I would have to move soon…Right?

I didn't really care.

Did I?

Then I heard a gasp behind me. Reality suddenly crushed down on me like a vice, and I realized that I was caught. My sleeves wouldn't ever be able to hide my secret again. They would talk, and it would be on TV eventually – hell, we were on a damn reality damn show, dammit! – and then my mom would find out (My throat caught at that…what would my mom think?!), and I'd be put in those psycho wards…and I…I…I…

I started to cry, my tears mixing in with the blood.

* * *

I couldn't believe it…my mouth just wouldn't work as I stared at Gwen, sobbing and bleeding into the water. I couldn't think straight…it was too much to take in.

Never once, not once in the whole time I had known her, did I think she did this to herself. She was just never that type of girl, right? She had everything going for her, she was surrounded by friends, and as far as I knew her family was happy together…Why would she do something like this to herself? Why?

I could feel myself growing colder with every moment...and it wasn't from the air around me, which seemed to get less and less breathable with every second. No, the chill came from the terror and confusion building together like a bad horror movie. Like that moment when your favorite character just did something incredibly stupid and put themselves at risk, and then the movie ends…

I didn't even realize that my feet had been moving me closer to her until I found my butt in the sand and her at my side. I looked at her and couldn't even imagine what I could possibly say. She was always so independent…so strong. What could I say to my friend that would be stupid? Wouldn't make it even harder for her?

So all I did was sit there and whisper "I'm sorry" over and over.

"I'm sorry…"

I watched as pulled her hands back – the bleeding had finally stopped – and just sat there on her knees like me, looking at the ground. Her tears were stopping, too, but I just wanted to scream even harder at the world for doing this to my friend. How could anyone cause this kind of pain to Gwen? It just wasn't right…It just wasn't right.

"I'm not going to tell you why." She whispered, and I jumped at the sound. Her voice was so different then usual…it was caked with layers and layers of grief, it was accusing and indifferent at the same time. It wasn't normal…it wasn't natural. She shouldn't be like this.

I licked my chapped lips and finally said, "You don't have to…" Yeah, I wanted to know why she was doing this, but I wanted her to be happy more. "Is there anything I could -?"

"No." She cut in before I could finish. I swallowed, and looked down. I couldn't do anything to help…I felt so _useless_. Like I wasn't a real friend. What would a true friend do? What _should_ I do? I didn't want to leave her like this…

I looked out over the water and saw the shark fins. Surprisingly, they weren't coming any closer. Could they feel what was going on? Did they manage to take pity on the girl and boy who were stuck in a moment of silent sorrow?

I looked back at Gwen and wished with all my heart, with all of my soul, with all of my being, that I could wipe away all the pain from her…

It's a horrible feeling…knowing you're useless to the ones you care about the most. A failure to your friends.

**If you made it all the way down here...thank you for reading. **


End file.
